AN INCONVENIENT TRUTH

Before I became a mom I had all the answers .
As soon as I became a mom  I still had all the answers, just not the practical and useful ones.
The years went bye and I kept having all the answers, to the wrong questions.
Now I just have questions. And no answers.

It's impossible to predict life with kids.
You think you are going to teach them things, instead YOU will become their student.
And not a brilliant one at that.
One thing for sure, you will learn a lot.

And nothing will scare you, anymore. Or rather, you 'll still be afraid of everything, but you will find the courage to do anything.
Happy mother's day.

UNA SCOMODA VERITA'

Prima di diventare mamma avevo tutte le risposte.
Appena sono diventata mamma, ho continuato ad avere tutte le risposte, ma non quelle utili.
Gli anni passano e continuo ad avere tutte le risposte, alle domande sbagliate.
Adesso ho solo domande. Nessuna Risposta.

E' impossibile fare predizioni sulla vita con figli.
Pensi di dover insegnare e invece diventi il loro studente. E neanche tra i piu' brillanti.
Una cosa e' certa, si impara parecchio.

E niente vi fara' piu' paura.
Ovvero, si avra' paura di tutto, ma si trovera' il coraggio per non sottrarsi a niente.
Buona festa della mamma.

MARTIAN LAW

This Italian mother, every once in a while, is reminded not to be so hard on herself.
This Italian mother sometimes gets acquitted in the trial where she is both plaintiff and defendant.
She is exonerated from feeling guilty about all the misery of the world.
Nevertheless, this Italian mother feels responsible and irreplaceable.
NOBODY is irreplaceable.

Deep breath and relief.

Men know better. Men are from Mars.
And we can learn from them.

This Martian Law was inspired by this Italian mother's best ally: the American husband.

Here are some of the points:

Whoever wants to eat, should learn how to cook.
Whoever wants to eat better, is encouraged to improve his/her cooking skills.
Whoever wants to wear her pajamas in preschool for two weeks in a  row, will have no choice but to sleep in her Sunday clothes.
Whoever wears a goalie uniform to formal family events, must not be surprised is she does not appear in that family's photo album.
Whoever gets up for breakfast last, should not be disappointed at the disappearance of bacon; he or she, may not hide the aforementioned bacon the night before, and then forget that he or she did so.
Whoever repeatedly demands explanations about the after life, and does not get a comprehensive and satisfactory explanation, is kindly required to ask elsewhere.
The same goes for questions about sex and algebra.

LEGGE MARZIANA

A questa mamma italiana, ogni tanto, viene ricordato di non essere cosi' dura con se stessa.
Viene assolta dai processi che si fa da sola.
Viene scagionata da tutte le colpe del mondo.
Nonostante tutto, questa mamma italiana si sente responsabile e indispensabile.
NESSUNO e' indispensabile.

Sospiro di sollievo. 

Gli uomini certe cose le sanno. Da subito. Gli uomini vengono da Marte.
Non sono particolarmente interessata ne' ad imitare ne' a diventare, un uomo.
Pero' c'e' qualcosa che da loro si puo' deve imparare. Cioe' a fregarsene un po' di piu' e a fidarsi di tanto in tanto. Soprattutto di noi stesse.

Questa mamma italiana, ora come ora, ha un'unico alleato: il marito americano.

I due mesi appena trascorsi sono stati tra i piu' intensi della mia vita. Anche i piu' esilaranti se vogliamo. I ritmi hanno minacciato di schiacciarmi o di farmi fare ricorso all'uso di droghe pesanti.

Mi ha salvata la messa a punto di una Legge Marziana.

Alcuni decreti:

Chi vuole la cena, impari a cucinare.
Chi vuole mangiare bene, impari a cucinare meglio.
Chi vuole andare all'asilo in pigiama per due settimane di seguito, ci vada pure. Sara' tuttavia costretto a dormire con i vestiti della domenica.
Chi si veste da portiere della Sampdoria a tutte le feste comandate o durante qualsiasi evento mondano, non se la prenda se non verra' fotografato/a in nessun album di famiglia.
Chi arriva ultimo alla prima colazione non si lamenti se il bacon e' finito; e' altresi' vietato nascondere il bacon la sera prima, e poi dimenticarsi che (e soprattutto dove) lo si e' nascosto. 
Chiunque fara' domande sull'aldila' e non ottenga una risposta soddisfacente, trovi altri interlocutori.
Lo stesso valga per domande su sesso e algebra.

CONVERSATIONS WITH LIEUTENANT COLUMBO

Being questioned by an health insurance agent, is like being questioned by Lieutenant Columbo.
Sort of.
If I ever get sick, fucking pull the plug.


The following conversation happened for real. It lasted several hours. Here some of the highlights.
The sentences in blue were pronounced by Sherlock. The ones in pink by Mamaspice.


Hello, my name is Perry Mason. I have in front of me your application for our health coverage. I need to ask you some questions.
Sure, go ahead.
You daughter #4 was diagnosed with asthma; how many times a day does she need medication?
She only needs it when she gets a cold or a cough.....
How many times a day does she cough?
Are you serious?
Then tell me how many times a year does she get sick?
I don't know, three four times....
Does she smoke?
Only a pack a day. She is four.


I see here that your daughter #2 recently had an ear infection....
So?
Did you use herbs to heal her?
No, I used the real stuff, you know: antibiotics.
How long did it take her to heal?
.....seven days.....
SEVEN DAYS?
Ok maybe they were four, four days, final answer.
FOUR DAYS?
How much does your daughter weight?
?


Was your daughter #1 ever pregnant?
Actually she never even got her period yet....
WHY?
What do you mean?


You state you suffer from migraines....
Yes......
Did you ever have surgery for it?
Is there such a thing as a surgery for migraines?
When was the last time you took medications for migraines?
......about three months ago.....
Was it December or January?
mmmmm................................
Will you tell me the exact date?
I 'll tell you what, I took a migraine pill thirty seconds ago, maybe forty.
 

TELEFONATA COL TENENTE COLOMBO

Essere interrogati da un'assicuratore sanitario, negli Stati Uniti, e' come essere interrogati dal Tenente Colombo.
Ieri sono stata sottoposta ad un terzo grado al telefono. Se mi ammalo, staccate la spina e mandate tutti gli assicuratori affan.......

La seguente conversazione e' realmente accaduta. E' durata ore. Quindi ve ne riassumo i punti salienti.
Le frasi del medico/tenente Colombo sono in blu (il nome e' fittizio).
Quelle di Mamaspice in rosa.

Sono il dottor Colombo. Ho davanti a me il suo fascicolo per ottenere la nostra copertura sanitaria. Ho bisogno di farle qualche domanda.
Dica.
A sua figlia #4 e' stata diagnosticata l'asma. Quante volte al giorno deve ricorrere a medicinali?
Ma no, solo quando le viene la tosse o il raffreddore....
Quante volte al giorno le viene la tosse?
Come quante volte al giorno, una; vuole sapere quante volte tossisce?
Allora mi dica quante volte le viene la tosse in un'anno?
Tre, quattro........
Sua figlia fuma?
Un pacchetto al giorno: ha quattro anni.


Sua figlia #2 ha avuto un'otite.
Si, e allora?
L'ha curata con le erbe?
Ma quali erbe..... abbiamo usato un antibiotico.
Quanto ci ha messo a guarire?
Sette giorni.....
SETTE GIORNI?
Forse erano quattro....
QUATTRO GIORNI?
Quanto pesa sua figlia?
?


Sua figlia #1 e' mai rimasta incinta?
Ma se non ha neanche il mestruo....
E perche?
Come perche......?

OLD MACDONALD HAD A FARM

PREFACE
Because of a series of unfortunate events, this month, the only person bringing home a paycheck is my 12 year old  daughter. She became a referee.
Both Sam iAm and I are currently interning.
The Ministry of Economy (Mamaspice), was therefore forced to operate some cuts.
Birthday budgets were the first on the list.
Birthdays normally celebrated in March: 2.

AN ECO(nomic) BIRTHDAY
About a 100 feet from my house lies the biggest (and only) urban farm of the city.
Nestled between the projects and the 280, there are three acres of cultivated French Countryside.
The land is owned by Park and Rec, and a number of volunteers turns it daily into food.
Whoever goes to the farm for a few hours, and puts in some work, can go home with a little harvest.
Wherever anybody saw dirt and weeds, I saw the perfect birthday party.
So this is where I took my now ten year old daughter, and her friends, on Sunday.
The girls spent the afternoon weeding, plowing, digging, planting and harvesting.
I have never seen anybody so happy to be shoveling manure.
While we were all working together we were singing, sweating and discussing the Oscar's Red Carpet.
After a couple of hours, the girls started gorging on fava bean leaves like they were Pringles (I'm guessing physical work had something to do with it).
Here's the picture to prove it.

Eating fava bean leaves

They were delicious, who knew?


We also particularly liked these "Ground Cherries", or Cape Gooseberries: it's like eating a tomato at first, and a plum, or cherry, in the aftertaste.

Ground Cherries

And then we got to take home the harvest.

The harvest: lettuce, carrots, herbs.

According to my daughter: best birthday party EVER!
Cost of the entire operation $20 (mostly for the imported prosciutto in the sandwiches).

EVERYTHING ELSE, PRICELESS.