JUST ANOTHER ORDINARY DAY.

This happened in 2012.

Here is an entry log that I used, to record a day just like any other, over the past year.

8.20 a.m. Flat tire.

8.20 a.m. In another part of town, daughter #1 and daughter #2, riding a bus to school, encounter a crazy guy brandishing a 12 inch knife. Nobody steps up or calls the police, nevertheless the two girls make their way to school unharmed. They even make it on time.
I will find out about the incident twelve hours later, under a gnocchi induced hypnosis.

12.00 a.m. The plumber installs shower backwards. The only way to take a shower would be to walk through the wall. Houdini is not dead, he just switched profession!

3.00 p.m. Epic fight between Mamaspice and daughter #3.

3.45 p.m Daughter #3 runs away from home but Mamaspice doesn't even notice it.

4.05 p.m. The doorbell rings. Instead of the occasional Jehova's witness, daughter #3 is at the door.
Mamaspice wonders for a minute what was her nine year old doing outside, but she doesn't dwell on it enogh time to find an answer.
Hours later, victim of a food induced trance, the girl will confess she had been a runaway for twenty minutes.

10.05 p.m. It's all quiet, everybody is asleep. Mamaspice takes a deep breath, drinks a glass of tap water.......and it tastes like ashes (?).
Friggin' Houdini!!!!!!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

2013 already looks much more promising.
It started with a fabulous New Year's Eve party done just right:
a very elegant setting;
wonderful friends;
Beethoven's keys on a grand piano on one side of the room,
Gangnam Style on the other side;
lentils;
a game of musical chairs;
fake eyelashes that became fake moustache by 2 a.m........

Last night, daughter #2 even washed the dishes without being asked.

If I am asleep, please do not wake me up.

Fake lashes attempt

Gangnam Style

FENOMENI PARANORMALI NON MEGLIO IDENTIFICATI (del terzo tipo).

Il 2013 e' iniziato con una trafila di cose andate bene molto sospette, quasi innaturali.

Partiamo dal veglione di capodanno:
tantissimi amici, risate, il valzer d'inizio, Gangnam Style in pista, Beethoven al piano, le lenticchie, il trenino di mezzanotte, le ciglia finte che diventano baffi verso le due di notte.......
Tutto come da copione.

Poi ultimamente vado al lavandino in cucina, e i piatti sono gia' lavati.....

Sai quando hai la sensazione che la tua casa sia costruita su di un cimitero indiano, come in Poltergeist?
Ecco, il contrario.
Mi sembra di essere inciampata sulla pietra tombale del cugino di Paperino: Gastone (resti in pace).

Esperimento ciglia finte

Gangnam Style

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY

I wrote this post last summer.
It is, at the moment, the most read post in my blog. Go figure.
It's time for me to translate it.

The trilogy Fifty shades of Grey has been  the most read trilogy of all times.
Let me tell you why.

It's not, alas, the story of the Missoni empire and of their chromatic creations.
The empire that comes to mind is rather The Empire of the senses.

The characters could have been cut and past from the script of a daytime soap.
The boy, Christian: handsome, wealthy and completely fucked up.
The girl, Anastasia: bookish, naive and, most of all, a virgin.
The formula is quite cliche'. The narrative won't keep you up at night..........although........
fifty pages or so into the book, Anastasia loses her virginity by Christian's hand (and I'm being quite literal). From that moment on the sex Olympics begin, and they continue for THREE books.
They even have specialties and props.
Skip the dialogues and concentrate on the sex scenes that are brilliantly written, in my opinion.
An introduction to S&M that will intrigue even those who are happy with their basics.
I have been reading it every night, before bedtime, to mark the transition from "mom that wipes noses, cleans dishes and tugs in" to " Queen of Burlesque" that my husband would like me to be.
Sometimes it is fun to read a chapter and then try to enact it: word for word, spanking for spanking.
Never a dull nigtht.
If you give it to your wife, girfriend, lover, you will do yourself a favour.

Then, to flush it all out and restore your literary buds, go and read The great Gatsby.

BREAD AND NUTELLA

 Without the bread....

Here's a late Christmas gift from me.
Also an homeopathic remedy for all sorts of holiday substance abuse.
This is the recipe for home made nutella.

You will need:

1 cup of toasted hazelnuts.
1/4 cup of dark cocoa powder.
1/2 a cup of powdered sugar.
3/4 of a teaspoon of vanilla extract.
1/4 teaspoon of kosher salt.
3 or 4 tablespoons of vegetable oil.

Put the nuts in the food processor and mix till they become buttery. Add the cocoa powder, the sugar the salt and the vanilla extract. Mix some more. At this point add the oil and keep mixing till you reach the creamy consistence we all know and love.

It can last up to two months in the refrigerator.

Realistically, I give you a couple of days.

PANE E NUTELLA

La vita e' bella.........

Adesso vi faccio un regalo di natale postumo.
Omeopatico contro le indigestioni natalizie.
Vi rivelo il segreto per la nutella fatta in casa.

Ci vogliono:

250 grammi di nocciole tostate.
70 grammi di polvere di cacao.
125 grammi di zucchero a velo.
Mezzo cucchiaino di vaniglia.
Un pizzico di sale.
3 o 4 cucchiai di olio vegetale.

Mettete le nocciole nel mixer e frullate per qualche minuto. Poi aggiungete il cacao in polvere, lo zucchero a velo, la vaniglia e il sale. Rimixate. A questo punto versate anche l'olio e ritritate per qualche minuto finche' il composto non assomigliera' alla Nutella (con la N maiuscola) che avete in casa.
Assaggiate. Non svenite.
Si conserva in frigo fino a due mesi.
Durera' due giorni.

TO SUM IT ALL UP...............

Here's to a year lived dangerously.
And here's my Cliffs notes:


Started a blog.
Quit a job.
Read 60 books.
Wrote none.
Caught a rat with a Tupperware bowl.
Swam with the jellyfish.
Organized and performed in a flash mob with three hundred other people.
Let a passport expire (twice).
Got two flat tires.
Wrecked the car's rear mirror (yesterday).
Made many mistakes.
Learned many lessons.
Cried a lot.
Laughed more.


p.s. If these notes are not enough, and you feel like getting a better picture, by all means.......read my blog from the beginning.

TIRANDO LE SOMME

A un anno vissuto pericolosamente.
Lo riassumo come nei Bignami:

Iniziato un blog.
Terminato un impiego.
Letti 60 libri.
Scritti neanche uno.
Catturato un topo di fogna con un Tupperware.
Nuotato con le meduse.
Dato vita ad una flash mob con trecento persone.
Fatto scadere un passaporto (due volte).
Bucate due gomme.
Rotto lo specchietto della macchina (ieri).
Sbagliato spesso.
Imparato sempre.
Pianto tanto.
Riso di piu'.


p.s. Queste sono solo le note Bignami. Per il racconto intero, rileggetevi il mio blog dall'inizio:)